PORTALS

_{*Trigger Warning* *Sensitive topics discussed*}

Reflecting on the past 9 (NINE!) years…

I have learned so much and I plan on using every piece of it to make this next year the most intentional one yet.

Starting new cycles and turning the page!!!

9 years ago I was still living in Colorado and I made the decision to join the military halfway through the year. Here are the last pictures of me before I joined.

The Denver zoo and a visit to Washington to say bye to my friends.

Four years lol let’s just summarize it:

Four years went by and my life absolutely changed.
I turned 21, I got married (and divorced), I learned electrical systems and generator mechanics, I got to experience so much life.
My mom moved to Alaska and it started a whole new journey for our family.
And just like that, it was time to leave.

When I first got out of the military, it was not easy.
I moved to Las Vegas and had a cleaning job for 5 months maybe.
I was too uncomfortable with myself and I left.

I moved to Irvine and had two jobs one at a doggy day care and another as a server at california pizza kitchen.

Burned my ass out quick. I think I was out there for 6 months before everyone in our house crashed out and I left again.

I tried to end my life if I’m being honest.
A failed attempt later and I ended up at my sisters house in Sacramento.

This is where everything changed for me.

I was just trying my best here…still in a dark place mentally.

Things were reaching a boiling point, and I couldn’t sit like that any longer.
I woke up one day seriously dedicated to being happier.

For nobody but myself. I deserved better.

I already came this far.

I went in for a haircut, and this lady cut A FOOT of my hair off after I’ve had long hair my entire life.

It was jarring at first, but it grew on me.

Things have a funny way of happening, and it just so happens that hair needed to be cut off.

It was carrying some serious memories and hurt.

I felt reborn in the weirdest way.
I really started putting myself out there and before I knew it life started happening.
The next two years would be an absolute dream.

I moved back to Las Vegas and lived with my best friend.
We lived our best lives.

I love that I took pictures of my life.

This is when I knew that everything I was looking for was within me.

Somewhere in the midst of all the activity, Las Vegas wasn’t feeling like home anymore.

I enjoyed a few years there before I briefly moved back to California and then I met a man (Gasp) and somehow got my ass in OREGON.

Bringing us to current day.

Type of shit I’m on all 2026.
I’m going all in.

I leave you with my journal entry that accompanies my 9 year reflection.
I write these words and release them with honor.

“Reflecting on the years, it wasn’t my proudest.
The truth is that I have been lying to myself. I have been trying to be what others want me to be so bad.
Just enough of me, but not enough to where it was true.
Everything felt like one big chore.
My lens came crashing down before my very eyes.
It is not sustainable.
I could not powerhouse my way through this.
The universe demands us to show up fully.
I lied to myself and others.
That I wanted a life smaller. I still don’t know what I want all the way.
But I know that I want to be fully here and fully me.
I want to remind myself that this year was the year I finally couldn’t pretend anymore.
That I want to continue standing up for myself and for what I believe.
Finally ready to not be afraid.
To be raw and true.
I want the love. I want it all.
I know that I didn’t act accordingly, but I needed to give her the driver’s seat so she could stop playing so heavily into my subconscious.
I AM LOVE.
I LOVE LOVE.
My conditioning did a number on me but I’m choosing to no longer let the unconscious control the conscious.
It’s really my turn.
Last month of 28.
What a good year to live and let go of the mess.
29 will be full.
Putting it ALL OUT THERE
Leaving it all on the table.
Let’s go baby. ❤